I haven't blogged for a while. I am not in a face-book kind of mood these days and everything I try to do just seems to go wrong. Yes, it is going to be one of those type of posts. I don't know why it is so important to get my printer working, but it is. I can't do it, but I will try again tonight. I have half-written things which I don't have the motivation to finish and post. My mind is in a strange place and I hardly know who I am any more. Crazy things have been happening, highly emotive stuff, which has left me drained. I am coming back from it all but, fuck, I realise I have been living in hell. A hell not of my own making. I take some of the responsibility, but not the majority of it. I was born for one thing.
Counselling is helping, I think. It is not a physical hell, more a psychological one. Things could always be worse, I keep telling myself. Of course, things are worse than this, somewhere else. But I am here, not there. And here is my own personal hell. I am not looking for feed-back on this, because everything anyone says to me these days, I have to take with a pinch of salt. Why? Because I am over-sensitive, living in a perpetual state of post-traumatic stress disorder, from way back. As soon as I think I have figured out one thing, worked it through, something else crops up. It is all very well saying things like: "Live in the now", "Enjoy the moment". I can't. As simple as that. I hope to some time. But I can't now. Recent events have left me numb. Not in a good way. But I hope to turn it around or at least bury it. Again, it depends on others, though nothing ever changes in some respects. I am not lonely alone any more, I am just alone. That's how I feel anyway. Trying to connect the jigsaw pieces together, of a smattered, scattered life. It's all good, just wish it was simple.
I wonder though. If everything was 'perfect', (what is that anyway), what then? (and shut up about my grammar and bad sentence construction, and simplex wording, I know!). Would I be any happier. I don't know. I have read thousands of positive words, possibly millions. They go in there and will lurk in there, waiting until I am ready. For what? Again I simply don't know.
Then there are the false promises. I say I will do this and that, then I don't. Maybe it's catch up time. Maybe.
Anyway, if anyone does read this, because I doubt I will post it in a group, sorry it isn't more up-beat, or humerous, or interesting. It is what it is.
Now I am going to use my escapism tactics and go read a book, because that is all I am up to recently.
Counselling is helping, I think. It is not a physical hell, more a psychological one. Things could always be worse, I keep telling myself. Of course, things are worse than this, somewhere else. But I am here, not there. And here is my own personal hell. I am not looking for feed-back on this, because everything anyone says to me these days, I have to take with a pinch of salt. Why? Because I am over-sensitive, living in a perpetual state of post-traumatic stress disorder, from way back. As soon as I think I have figured out one thing, worked it through, something else crops up. It is all very well saying things like: "Live in the now", "Enjoy the moment". I can't. As simple as that. I hope to some time. But I can't now. Recent events have left me numb. Not in a good way. But I hope to turn it around or at least bury it. Again, it depends on others, though nothing ever changes in some respects. I am not lonely alone any more, I am just alone. That's how I feel anyway. Trying to connect the jigsaw pieces together, of a smattered, scattered life. It's all good, just wish it was simple.
I wonder though. If everything was 'perfect', (what is that anyway), what then? (and shut up about my grammar and bad sentence construction, and simplex wording, I know!). Would I be any happier. I don't know. I have read thousands of positive words, possibly millions. They go in there and will lurk in there, waiting until I am ready. For what? Again I simply don't know.
Then there are the false promises. I say I will do this and that, then I don't. Maybe it's catch up time. Maybe.
Anyway, if anyone does read this, because I doubt I will post it in a group, sorry it isn't more up-beat, or humerous, or interesting. It is what it is.
Now I am going to use my escapism tactics and go read a book, because that is all I am up to recently.
Hi Fi,
ReplyDeleteI am not going to tell you what to do or how to feel because that would be cruel. I have not lived your life, I don't know your situation so how can I impose my advice on you? I will though say this.
In my experience of trying to settle my own things, hurts, scars, I have tried to bury them, thinking that if I just swallow them down they are gone and out of sight out of mind. Boy did that come back to bite me in the posterier. As one friend to another I am begging you not to do this. I know it might seem easier... as it did to me at the time. But it ends up doing more damage in the long run.
I think your dream the other night was telling you something. Hugs to you, it is never easy... but the good things are rarely things that come without work.
Thanks for reading and your thoughtful and caring comment, Tracie. I know you're right, as burying anything is really putting off the inevitable. I already had buried the issues and they have resurfaced. I am just so very tired of always having to deal with stuff relating to myself. I will take your good advice and try to pamper myself a little and then get to it. I don't know how, but I will think of something, I am sure. You are right about the dream too. Again, many thanks and much appreciation for your friendship. x
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