Just thoughts
You don't have to be in jail to feel like a prisoner. I'm not, yet all this time, I have been fighting it, trying to to break down non-existent barriers, refusing to accept the status quo. That is what I think I think at least, for there are so many different options to think, that one thought will do as well as the next. When one has been harboring one set of thoughts or perhaps they were not thoughts but feelings or something similar, concerning a certain 'state of being', for many years, and over night that state of being alters radically, it is a cause for worry. Yet I am astounded at how unworried I am. As unworried as I might or might not think I am, as I am still not sure yet if I have cause to be worried, I have experienced an altered state nonetheless.
This altered state I am thinking may indeed be a positive thing. I am astounded that I haven't yet had a tantrum or broken a cup deliberately against a wall or even stamped my foot. So following that lead maybe it is safe to assume that I am calmer than a windless sea, on a starry summer's night.
It is probably shock mingled with an unease the like of which I don't think I have ever experienced.
And I have experienced a radical pot-pourri of shocks of different colours, shapes and sizes. I started writing this because I can feel my mind drawing inwards on what feels like a very lonely journey.
I have lost the capability to reach out. Maybe it is because it is a road I must travel alone, I don't know, and I don't like the not knowing. It feels like the calm before a storm. A storm I am not sure will actually materialise.
Truth is after having written all these words, I simply don't know what to think.
You don't know what to think, and I think I'm with you there. The uncertainty of it all will get to you every time!
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't even know what the uncertainty is, that I am uncertain of. - bad grammar, I am sure, but who cares?
ReplyDelete"You don't have to be in jail to feel like a prisoner." This sounds like the situation I'm going through with my family right now. I want to go back to the way things were before the situation, but unfortunately that's not happening anytime soon. There's an expression "pain shared is pain lessened." There's a lot of truth in that. Hopefully by sharing you'll feel better.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Katley. I have a couple of books on the go, and yesterday I discovered that the next chapters in both! which I am about to read are called 'The Prisoner'. That was after I wrote this, so yay, more synchronicity.
ReplyDeleteI feel more the opposite to you though it has the same effect, in that I am more a prisoner of my own solitude.
I find reading good writing a great escape though.