What to do if you come across a burglar in the middle of the night

Plan A

• Ask them if they would like a nice cup of tea, and tell them they must be tired after being up so late.
• Run up to them, give them a tearful hug and say: "I get so few visitors, thank you for dropping by."
• Say: "I have been hoping someone would drop by, I need a hand unblocking the lavatory. You look like just the man."
• Shout down the stairs: "Oh, is that you Butch? How did target practice go tonight?"
• Tell them to come upstairs and meet your uncle Hannibal. He likes visitors...
• Scream hysterically: "Oh, my god, there's a spider in the bath!!!!" Hopefully the burglar will be afraid of spiders and run away.
• Tell them to take anything they like then get the hell out of here.

If none of these work, move on rapidly to

Plan B

This consists of pressing the Gardai's number on speed dial and hiding in the hot-cupboard.