Rape is a topic which people shy away from or maybe not, I don't even know. It makes them feel uneasy and so it should. It makes me feel uneasy. More than that, not only is it one of the most abhorrent violations of the human body, but of the spirit.
Some live their whole lives feeling forced into denial about what has happened to them. It could be seen as being easier that way. But it isn't really. The oppressed emotions, the trauma, affects almost every aspect of a person's life, changes them irretrievably.
If it has happened to you, you should know that it was not your fault. It just takes one person to say: "You must have brought that on yourself." to devastate you and cause you to sink into a deeper sense of self hate. If people close to you don't offer up sympathy or compassion, dump them - you're better off alone. Someone who reads this, decide for yourself, but that is my experience.
Talking about it in a secure environment helps. It took me a long long time to get to the frame of mind to do so. It can take a long while to feel safe enough to express yourself openly, because one of the losses attached to this, is Trust. Isolation is also a factor. Even though you know you are not the only one, the isolation comes from feeling misunderstood. An understanding person can make all the difference. While talking about it is hard, brings back the painful emotions, (which actually don't really ever go away) There is some relief in looking at the situation from a different perspective, and helps to free that block of old emotion weighing you down and get it out into the ether. Let the ether take care of it. It is not a cure though. There is no cure - not something anyone want to hear, but helps to know.
I don't like the word 'victim' as it conjures up other words like 'weakness' and 'self-pity', the need to be molly-coddled and patronised. Others might tell you "Pull yourself together" or "You brought it on yourself". The truth is, (if you have survived rape, and can still function, you rock) It is not just 'rape' it is an attack. It may involve being beaten, threatened with your life, being held hostage, subjugated, conquered. It takes a long while to recover from this. Don't get me wrong, you can go about your daily life, even fall in love, have children, work, be creative, but there is always the under-pinning fear that it might happen again to you or worse to one of your loved ones. This causes massive anxiety. I am not going to pretend that by writing this, the anxiety is going to magically disappear because I know it isn't.
You're always looking over your shoulder, sleeping with one eye open, panic attacks. There are moments which trigger the emotional memory, even though you have forced your mind to forget. It could be a combination of elements which are memory triggers, and though they can't be avoided it is useful to know what they are, so at least you can understand what is happening to yourself, even if no one else does. Not doing this can make you think you're going crazy and there has been many a time when I have thought just that.
There is no happy ending, there never is. The best that can be done, is to do as much as can be done to recover. It is never going to have not happened. You are never going to feel great, or have a great day. What you can do is have the best day possible, and accept anything better than bad as good.
One of the dangers is that you stop worrying about what people think because your self-esteem drops to rock-bottom. The problem with this lack of caring of what people think of you, is the possibility of losing your boundaries. Not caring what people think will leave you socially isolated with no friends and in an even worse place than you might have been otherwise. Pushing people who you are in danger of getting close to away. A lot of effort has to be put into regaining these. If not, the same thing is likely to happen again, at least there is more chance of it. So you reel yourself in tight, real tight. You get to the point where you isolate yourself, or try to at least, in an attempt to feel safe. This has an adverse effect. Isolation is not necessarily a safe place to be, especially for a woman alone.
Unraveling the 'tightness' has to be taken slowly and carefully. But it is possible to do up to a point and you have to keep on keeping on, regardless.
It is important to point out that this thing that has happened. You should not allow yourself to be defined by it. It is a part of who you have become since, but it is not who you are. You are still you. Still the same you that you were before and this is a bump in the road.
If this post helps even one person - my job is done.
Some live their whole lives feeling forced into denial about what has happened to them. It could be seen as being easier that way. But it isn't really. The oppressed emotions, the trauma, affects almost every aspect of a person's life, changes them irretrievably.
If it has happened to you, you should know that it was not your fault. It just takes one person to say: "You must have brought that on yourself." to devastate you and cause you to sink into a deeper sense of self hate. If people close to you don't offer up sympathy or compassion, dump them - you're better off alone. Someone who reads this, decide for yourself, but that is my experience.
Talking about it in a secure environment helps. It took me a long long time to get to the frame of mind to do so. It can take a long while to feel safe enough to express yourself openly, because one of the losses attached to this, is Trust. Isolation is also a factor. Even though you know you are not the only one, the isolation comes from feeling misunderstood. An understanding person can make all the difference. While talking about it is hard, brings back the painful emotions, (which actually don't really ever go away) There is some relief in looking at the situation from a different perspective, and helps to free that block of old emotion weighing you down and get it out into the ether. Let the ether take care of it. It is not a cure though. There is no cure - not something anyone want to hear, but helps to know.
I don't like the word 'victim' as it conjures up other words like 'weakness' and 'self-pity', the need to be molly-coddled and patronised. Others might tell you "Pull yourself together" or "You brought it on yourself". The truth is, (if you have survived rape, and can still function, you rock) It is not just 'rape' it is an attack. It may involve being beaten, threatened with your life, being held hostage, subjugated, conquered. It takes a long while to recover from this. Don't get me wrong, you can go about your daily life, even fall in love, have children, work, be creative, but there is always the under-pinning fear that it might happen again to you or worse to one of your loved ones. This causes massive anxiety. I am not going to pretend that by writing this, the anxiety is going to magically disappear because I know it isn't.
You're always looking over your shoulder, sleeping with one eye open, panic attacks. There are moments which trigger the emotional memory, even though you have forced your mind to forget. It could be a combination of elements which are memory triggers, and though they can't be avoided it is useful to know what they are, so at least you can understand what is happening to yourself, even if no one else does. Not doing this can make you think you're going crazy and there has been many a time when I have thought just that.
There is no happy ending, there never is. The best that can be done, is to do as much as can be done to recover. It is never going to have not happened. You are never going to feel great, or have a great day. What you can do is have the best day possible, and accept anything better than bad as good.
One of the dangers is that you stop worrying about what people think because your self-esteem drops to rock-bottom. The problem with this lack of caring of what people think of you, is the possibility of losing your boundaries. Not caring what people think will leave you socially isolated with no friends and in an even worse place than you might have been otherwise. Pushing people who you are in danger of getting close to away. A lot of effort has to be put into regaining these. If not, the same thing is likely to happen again, at least there is more chance of it. So you reel yourself in tight, real tight. You get to the point where you isolate yourself, or try to at least, in an attempt to feel safe. This has an adverse effect. Isolation is not necessarily a safe place to be, especially for a woman alone.
Unraveling the 'tightness' has to be taken slowly and carefully. But it is possible to do up to a point and you have to keep on keeping on, regardless.
It is important to point out that this thing that has happened. You should not allow yourself to be defined by it. It is a part of who you have become since, but it is not who you are. You are still you. Still the same you that you were before and this is a bump in the road.
If this post helps even one person - my job is done.
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