It's ten to one and I don't know why I am still up. Maybe I am still 'riding high' on the good news. I came crashing down after I phoned my brother in a moment of forgetfulness. But how could I have forgotten the hell he is going through? How could I forget that he is lamenting daily, the loss of his oldest son? His pride and joy. How more insensitive could I have been than to phone him, in my elation. I always instinctively shared my news with him. But as I started talking I could hear the pain in his responses. My latent pain welled up. I have been running from the chasing pain for five long years, (failing often) trying to protect my children. I can't. This is something which I now fully realise they have to do for themselves.
My daughter has come through profound depression. Our whole family have. Sam was only 15 when he left this word. He was a shining light. It will never make sense. We have been inconsolable. That is the reality. I had to cope. Becky with hers, Leo with his, and I with mine. Perhaps it is because he is a boy, I am not sure that his grief emerged in other ways, just as valid, equally as traumatic. But like Becky, he shines. Children repair easier than the adults, though no reparation is by any means easy. They have youth on their side. I have a nagging responsibility to try and be more careful of peoples feelings, more aware of what I say, what I do, and how I hold myself. It is not an easy task to set yourself or to expect from others. We are all human, fallible.
I came to a sudden realization that Becky was going to be alright yesterday. She has followed her chosen path seen it to the end and created a hope-filled future for herself. Leo is doing the same, in college, studying what interests him. In my world things are beginning to look up. A long slow process for us all, and so very welcome.
It started in TIBU for me. It was my first internet interaction with other humans, as opposed to simply, I guess, surfing. Posting an old poem and going from there. I still remain friends with most. Regrettably there has been a few defriendations, mainly because of differences and my own lack of something or other. I needed to mask the depression from the world, from my friends and even my family. I am not sure how a good a job I did, but it was a quick fix which became an addiction. I haven't told any lies, but pretend emotions I can't live with. This is complicated. I have been finding that the facebook smiles and the lols are not fake but momentary. That it is so easy to not reap what you sow but to reap what is bestowed. I was tempted to throw out the baby with the bath water. But I stand corrected. This has altered how I think and feel about it. I need to be real, to know how I really feel. I feel hope and love. I appreciate my friends in this. I could not have done it alone. You people should know, that a kindness goes a very long way. My family too it needs to be said. Each and every one of them. I remain alone, but not lonely. I realise I still have a lot to do, people to see, and places to go, and I will carry the love with me.
My daughter has come through profound depression. Our whole family have. Sam was only 15 when he left this word. He was a shining light. It will never make sense. We have been inconsolable. That is the reality. I had to cope. Becky with hers, Leo with his, and I with mine. Perhaps it is because he is a boy, I am not sure that his grief emerged in other ways, just as valid, equally as traumatic. But like Becky, he shines. Children repair easier than the adults, though no reparation is by any means easy. They have youth on their side. I have a nagging responsibility to try and be more careful of peoples feelings, more aware of what I say, what I do, and how I hold myself. It is not an easy task to set yourself or to expect from others. We are all human, fallible.
I came to a sudden realization that Becky was going to be alright yesterday. She has followed her chosen path seen it to the end and created a hope-filled future for herself. Leo is doing the same, in college, studying what interests him. In my world things are beginning to look up. A long slow process for us all, and so very welcome.
It started in TIBU for me. It was my first internet interaction with other humans, as opposed to simply, I guess, surfing. Posting an old poem and going from there. I still remain friends with most. Regrettably there has been a few defriendations, mainly because of differences and my own lack of something or other. I needed to mask the depression from the world, from my friends and even my family. I am not sure how a good a job I did, but it was a quick fix which became an addiction. I haven't told any lies, but pretend emotions I can't live with. This is complicated. I have been finding that the facebook smiles and the lols are not fake but momentary. That it is so easy to not reap what you sow but to reap what is bestowed. I was tempted to throw out the baby with the bath water. But I stand corrected. This has altered how I think and feel about it. I need to be real, to know how I really feel. I feel hope and love. I appreciate my friends in this. I could not have done it alone. You people should know, that a kindness goes a very long way. My family too it needs to be said. Each and every one of them. I remain alone, but not lonely. I realise I still have a lot to do, people to see, and places to go, and I will carry the love with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment